aMuSiNG MuSiNG ~ the eMPLoYee who called 9-1-1!

Our company owns one of the largest buildings in downtown Hollywood, 7 stories of metal, glass and construction that overlook the masestic splendor that is Tinsel Town. Impressive, eh? Not when the building is located off of what the LAPD so colorfully refer to as "CRaCK aLLeY".

For all of you that do not have a smack-running-through-my-veins addiction and have yet to visit the Alley de Crack, let me paint a picture: the overwhelming smell of urine and old soda pop baked into the pavement, broken bottles and old needles strewn about, homeless crazies putting on disturbing displays of insanity for people who aren't really there, even the occasional dead animal and/or human steam pile. My words can't do it justice; it's really a Hollywood gem that every SoCal tourist must experience on their own.

Well, needless to say, when they moved us in, the more discerning employees raised some concerned and un-Botoxed eyebrows. Ala: What am I to do if I am raped, pillaged and/or shot while walking down Crack Alley? Management told us, in an ever-so jovial e-mail: Y'all have nothing to worry about.

But then this AM, a company-wide e-mail was sent out... with High Importance, no less...

We recognize that working in a dynamic city like Hollywood can present a number of challenges, and even more opportunities in a city where the sidewalks themselves are a tourist destination. Walking between our buildings can be an experience, with the road construction, homeless people, sidewalk vendors, cross walk re-paintings, tourists, buses and limos. This diversity makes our workplace interesting and we offer the following reminders.

Should you ever feel that you are in immediate jeopardy, dial 9-1-1 and immediately protect yourself. Actions could include seeking assistance inside a business, going to a local police station or asking other people in the area for help. The company does not, however, condone the use of weaponry, violence and/or lethal force in protecting oneself.

Weaponry, violence and/or lethal force?! So what you're say is that if a crazy person asks me for a dollar, I can't drop kick them in the stomach, stab them in the throat with my antique 1829 fighting sabre and make them bite the curb?!

Damnit! My afternoon power-walk is never going to be the same again!