aMuSiNG MuSiNG ~ (bubble) bottoms up!

Getting a drink at the Abbey* is like getting laid at your Senior Prom.

*The Abbey, for all of you Non-SoCal-Homo's

in the Do-Not-Know, is WeHo's (pretty much) premiere

homo-watering-hole of ever-trendy choice.

The carved-by-the-hands-of-Michelangelo male model bartenders are akin to that annoyingly perfect cheerleader clique in high school. They're beautiful, they're bone-able, and they're totally bitchy... yet they always seem to be surrounded by a gaggle of adoring gays.

Naturally, they are the one's we are immediately drawn to. But asshole-ishly, they are the ones that deny us our most carnal (and Bacardi-al) of needs. (That's right! I'm talking to you, Mr. Trendy-Arm-Tatooed Fledgling-FauxHawk poor excuse of a Collin-Farrell-look-a-like Bartender in the front service station. You passed me over 14x's in order to service fat fag hags and painted breeder whores! I hate you, TAT-Farrell! May your high cheekbones fall into a concave mess, like Collin's career post-Alexander.)

Well, after 20 minutes of my (no!) bar service, I decided to look elsewhere to quench my inner (and literal) thirsts. And like a horny high school boy in search of the perfect Put-Out Chick after their graduatory sock-hop, I quickly learned a lesson in second-hand service... F-U 2 the hot 1's!

You need to scan the crowd, like a wild animal ISO his prey, and single out the weak: the ugly girl standing in the corner of the gym with matching leg and teeth braces... The bartender in a too-tight tank top with a little too much muffin-topping back fat. They are both one in the same, an easy (and easily ignored) target in this game of get-what-you-want life.

You approach said Misfortunate-Looking Ugly. You smile. You wink. You say something charmingly witty (enough). You tell them they have the most beautiful blue (or green or hazel or brown or whatever) eyes you've ever seen. You touch their shoulder nonchalantly when they laugh. Eventually... you get what you want, whether its the Prom-girl-poon or a gay-bar-double-Bacardi-and-diet-coke.

Sidebar: Thank you, Quasi(ho)modo at the back bar. Your blue (or green or hazel or brown or whatever) eyes were almost as intoxicating as your easy-to-get drinks!