It’s all about location, location, location!
The road to true love is littered with passé clichés. There’s the good: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” There’s the bad: “If you love someone, set them free.” And then there’s the just plain painful: “It’s not you. It’s me… No, wait, it’s really you!” In the quest to join the ever-evasive ranks of couple-hood, a puppy-lover can experience all of the heart’s contradictory emotions and still speak only in Beatles’ lyrics.
But there is no more famous amour-enthused truism than the one we tell our emotionally broken BFF when raw cookie dough and boxed wine won’t heal his just-dumped heart: “You’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places!”
Every gay man, myself included, can recall his situation comedy days of casual dating and the hilarity that ensued once-upon-a-one-night-stand. There was the tall, dark, and handsome Italian Stallion that you met after a bout of ritualistic barhopping; all you picked up from him was a nasty itch that only prescription penicillin could expunge! And then there was the adorable Starbucks Barista who whipped your double latte into triple at no extra charge; you still haven’t been able to wash those nasty coffee granules out of your 500-count bed sheets! And don’t forget the Drunk-Dial Boy-Toy from gay.com; every time that trick stopped by for a late night treat, another pair of your designer Diesel jeans would coincidentally vanish as quickly as he (literally) came!
Yes, my lovelorn friends, the trails and tribulations of our dating debacles have illustrated that, time and time again, the path to Happily-Ever-After does not intersect with the typical stop-offs on the SoCal Singles’ Scene. A Friday night at a LaLa Land gay bar should be the perfect place to meet your life mate, in theory; with so many available and intoxicated men in close quarters, emotional affection is bound to ensue, right?
But a more critical look reveals a superficial panorama that is far less romance-redolent: extra-large muscle queens in extra-small tank tops, gender benders in Britney Spears’ latest fashion disaster, drunk dudes slurring, circuit boys sashaying, and sugar daddies with a twinkle in their eye and a twink on their arm. If you’re looking to for a no-strings-attached hook-up, these homo-watering holes are a single man’s sanctuary. But if you’re in search of the Prince that will forever share your California King bed, it’s time to hang up the beer goggles and sand down those after-intercourse notches on your bed post.
True love lives in LA; you just need to know where and how to look for it:
Step 1: Circumvent “S&M Syndrome”
Most single hotspots encourage men to employ “S&M Syndrome”, otherwise known as the “Stand & Model Syndrome”. For fear of looking stupid or being labeled a social leper, many unattached individuals freeze up when they are out and about the scene. Today’s romantic comedies would have us believe that bars, chain coffee shops, and online chat rooms are prime places to meet a mate; however, if you’re surroundings are coercing you to squelch every ounce of your unique individuality, it’s time for a change of scenery.
Step 2: Become a “Yes!” Man
If a friend offers to set you up on a blind date, agree unabashedly. If your cubicle-mate is performing at a comedy club, RSVP without hesitation. If your neighbor throws a house party, your trainer offers a pass to his group kickboxing class, or your parole officer invites you to his DARE lecture, get your single-self there. Continually opening yourself to new people, places, and events, even when it feels foreign and uncomfortable, will only widen your social circle and enhance your chance at unearthing everlasting love.
Step 3: Quit Your Bitchin'
When meeting new people, curb your kvetching. Monologues about your terrible job, bad hair day, crappy car, lousy friends, thoughtless ex, and stubborn back-fat just aren’t sexy. You never know who is within earshot; so stop playing the Victorian victim, and carry yourself like a Herculean hero.
Step 4: Make the Mundane Memorable
Sometimes you find love where you least expect it; but that’s if, and only if, you’re ready and willing to accept it. The express checkout line at Whole Foods, the treadmill row at 24 Hour Fitness, the clearance rack at Nordstrom’s Semi-Annual Sale, the protein bar at Power Zone, and the pews of WeHo’s Metropolitan Community Church are all teeming with extremely date-able men; however, most of us are too preoccupied with the day’s hustle and bustle to notice. These precious moments get lost as we flip through the latest Lindsay Lohan-splashed tabloid or re-shuffle our favorite iPod mix. Instead, try fostering a connection with a sexy stranger during these mundane moments. A simple smile or heartfelt hello often gives way to friendly conversation. Finding Mr. Right is a numbers game, and meeting someone new each and every day is a great way to increase your odds at anti-single success.
Step 5: Get Engaged
Men are at their most attractive when they are emotionally and physically engrossed in activity; therefore, when looking for love, it’s important to make your passions public. Los Angeles is chockfull of gay-based group activities that put you in close proximity with other like-minded men. For example, if healthy living is your vice of choice, enroll in a semester of Barry’s Boot Camp; these kick-ass classes are guaranteed to get you hot and bothered alongside LA’s sexiest bachelors. If choral composition is music to your ears, audition for the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles. For theatre buffs, SoCal’s only all-gay themed theatre company, Celebration Theatre, is the perfect place to strut your stuff. Weekly signings with the nation’s top gay authors at A Different Light bookstore are great for literary lovers, Saturday night comedy shows at The Grounds are ideal for comedy connoisseurs, and the Greater Los Angeles Softball Association is a surefire home-run for gay players of all shapes and skill-levels.
It’s true: “Love finds you when you least expect it.” But with Happily-Ever-After right around the corner, why wait? Start looking for love in and the right places, and you’re sure to go from single spinster to committed couple-hood in no time flat.
