aMuSiNG MuSiNG ~ is there a WebMD in the condo?

I woke up this morning. (Well, came back into consciousness would probably be a more accurate way of putting it.) And said consciousness that I encountered was not warm and welcoming. In fact, it was more clammy and vomit-y.

Now, most (un)morning people would probably attribute their hazy AM up-chucking to last night's 4 50/50-Bacardi-diet-cokes, 3 Jose Cuervo shots, 2 Xanax pills and 1 XL Meat Lover's Pizza Hut extravaganza. (Hey, don't gay-judge me! It was SunDay-FunDay-CarbDay!) But the self-diagnosing doctor in me new it wasn't just an amatuer alchie's Monday morning hangover. No, this was something worse... So, I logged onto WebMD (the hypochondriac's homepage of choice), and symptom-checked my inner-ailments.

Do I have...

WebMD: Numbness, weakness, or paralysis of the face, arm, or leg?
MiCHaeL aNTHoNY: Yes!
WebMD: Vision problems in one or both eyes, such as dimness, blurring, double vision, or loss of vision?
MiCHaeL aNTHoNY: Wait, who just said that?!
WebMD: Confusion, trouble speaking or understanding?
MiCHaeL aNTHoNY: Uh, WebMD-say-what...?
WebMD: Trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination?
MiCHaeL aNTHoNY: Always!
WebMD: Severe headache?
MiCHaeL aNTHoNY: Yes, yes, yes! Just please stop screaming at me, and I'll do whatever you want!
[after a doctorally diagnostic delay]
WebMD: MiCHaeL aNTHoNY, you are having... an ischemic stroke.

I should call into work, but I'm out of sick days (again). And I DEF don't want to be known as The Employee Who Cried Ischemci Stroke.

They've finally just stopped calling me I-Think-I-Have-Meningitis-Mikey.